No, sheriff, I really don’t need any help but thanks – Boston Herald

A 52-year-old man was arrested for grand larceny after his vehicle ran out of gas in front of the sheriff’s office in the Town of Thompson, N.Y. The man, whose license had been revoked, was driving an unregistered pickup truck with switched plates. He was wanted for stealing $2,000 worth of metal from a nearby DOT yard, and had five prior felony convictions.

I’D RATHER YOU CALLED ME SWEETIE PIE: A woman showed up drunk at the Goodwill in Wichita Falls, Texas, where she stabbed her husband and threatened to light his truck on fire. She has nine prior arrests, mostly for a multitude of traffic violations, and her nickname is “Grumpy.”

I’LL GO RIGHT TO BED, OFFICER, I PROMISE: A friendly police officer saw a very intoxicated man headed for his car after Oktoberfest in Saline, Mich., so he gave him a ride home. But the guy must have made it back to his vehicle, because he was arrested for drunk driving 90 minutes later.

LOOKS LIKE THE MAGIC IS PRETTY MUCH GONE: A woman in Easdale, Scotland, is giving away a coffin that she bought for her husband, because he “has lived longer than she had hoped.”

I’M A CITIZEN OF THE WORLD, MAN!: When police confronted a man in a white convertible who was playing music very loud and causing a disturbance in a parking lot in Orange, Ohio, he claimed that he is a member of a sovereign nation and does not need a state I.D. or driver’s license. The cops disagreed.

AND WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT!? … KA-BLAM!: A man climbed to the fifth floor of a Police Department building in Chicago, where he walked into a room where a group of officers were taking part in SWAT training, and then made the mistake of grabbing two guns off a table and pointing one of them at the cops. He was immediately shot.

PAY UP OR THE MONKEYS DIE!: Kidnappers abducted three baby chimpanzees named Cesar, Hussein and Monga from an animal sanctuary in the Democratic Republic of Congo and are demanding a substantial ransom for their safe return. They sent three messages and a video of the abducted chimps threatening to harm them if their demands are not met.

ARE YOU OK, MA’AM?: A woman on an American Airlines jetliner traveling cross-country stood up and started screaming that everyone on the plane was about to die and must “repent.” One passenger said that she “started out talking in a regular voice, then started yelling, ‘Redemption is coming! Redemption is coming!’” The plane was diverted to Texas where she was arrested.

SO WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO, LITTLE BOY? Firefighters were called to a school in Johor, Malaysia, to remove a traffic cone which was stuck to the head of a 10-year-old boy who had put it there while playing with his friends. Teachers tried and failed to remove the dunce-shaped cone, so they called the firemen who took it off with a cutter in about 20 minutes.